USA: National Domestic Violence Hotline – 1-800 799-7233 (1-800 799-SAFE) and TTY: 1-800 787-3224
UK: Women’s Aid – 0808 2000-247
Australia: Women’s Aid – 1-800 737-732 (1-800 737-RESPSECT) Worldwide: Visit - International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies – for a global list of helplines and crisis centers.
THERE ARE WARNING SIGNS:
Abusive people are bullies.
They seek to control another person because they are emotionally inadequate and insecure.
Abuse knows no boundaries. It spans all social and economic lifestyles.
Verbal and Emotional abuse causes invisible bruises.
Verbal and Emotional abuse inevitably results in Physical abuse.
Physical abuse can cause irreparable harm and sometimes death.
Every abuser will exhibit several or all of these fifteen points below.
Check these fifteen points:
WITHHOLDING: This is a way to control by remaining silent and indifferent and completely detached, avoiding any verbal or emotional engagement. It can last for days, having a devastating effect on the abused. It is power-play by the abuser, who uses it as a form of retaliation to something that was said which he disliked. When they need to speak, they take on a ‘zombie’ persona and issue orders.
COUNTERING: He counters his partner’s conversation, beliefs and feelings. Everything she expresses is wrong, denying her an opinion of her own which differs from his.
DISCOUNTING: When challenged, he denies the reality of the abuse. He denigrates her accusations, feelings and experience as worthless to avoid taking responsibility for his abusive behavior.
VERBAL ABUSE DISGUISED AS A JOKE: He will make disparaging remarks and demeaning jokes about women to gain control. He will also verbally threaten and frighten her then call it a ‘joke’.
BLOCKING and DIVERTING: During a discussion, either alone or in company, he will abruptly change the topic and verbally attack her on an unrelated subject. This is his way of remaining in control.
ACCUSING and BLAMING: When he feels bad about something he has done, he will shift the blame on to her. He will accuse her of interrogating and attacking him because he feels inadequate and insecure. He will literally blame her for making him feel bad about himself.
JUDGING and CRITICIZING: He will criticize to cover his own inadequacies and insecurities by telling her that she is stupid, useless, fat, thin, old . . . using whichever terminology he deems appropriate to inflict pain.
TRIVIALIZING: Any achievements are trivialized and degraded. No praise or support is forthcoming because in his eyes, he needs to sustain her insignificance.
UNDERMINING: This is also called ‘crazy making’.
Step one: He will try to distort her rational thoughts by literally sabotaging her ideas.
Step two: He will deliberately confuse her and then tell her she’s stupid, thereby lowering her self-esteem.
Step three: He will deliberately not complement her when she looks special and treat her rudely as though she were worthless.
THREATENING: The abuser will make direct threats to willfully cause fear. He aims to target the emotionally vulnerable areas of her life; her security, their marriage or the children. Often they will threaten divorce or to throw their partner/wife out of the home. Verbal threatening almost always leads to physical abuse.
NAME CALLING: Deliberate, personally directed foul language and foul name calling is unacceptable. So too are terms of endearment used sarcastically.
FORGETTING: This is blatant denial. Conveniently forgetting significant conversations and incidents prevent uncomfortable questioning, disclosures or lies. He will pretend to forget and then lead the conversation into another form of abuse by blocking and diverting.
ORDERING: This is also called ‘thingifying’ a person. Treating her with no respect, ordering her around as a ‘non person’, a thing. Comments include, ‘we’re leaving now’ and ‘we won’t discuss this again’ although no discussion ever took place. He will often become enraged and shout orders to the point of telling her to ‘get out.’
DENIAL: The verbal and emotional abuser always denies his abuse. When confronted, he will be appalled by her audacity and accuse her of the outrageous suggestion. Often he will deliberately follow with a statement about love, ‘you should know that I love you’. Acknowledging the truth would lead to lack of control. He will excuse himself from all responsibility by stating that he is only responding to her verbal attacks and accusations and that he is defending his character.
ANGER and RAGE: Pent-up anger leading to bouts of rage are synonymous with the abuser. His outbursts are triggered by his need to vent his anger to obtain relief from tension and usually they are directed at her and often the children too. He will also engage in outbursts of anger against strangers including bouts of ‘road rage.’ He will always shift the blame, absolving himself from any accountability. Friends and colleagues will view him as ‘charming’.
I highly recommend these books by Patricia Evans, as they lay out the basis for understanding verbal and emotional abuse. Please visit, The Verbal Abuse Site
ADDICTION IS ADDICTION IS ADDICTION . . .
Cat Nap draws attention to Sexual addiction. In this story I write a fictional account about life with a male sex addict. Years ago a man with this addiction was referred to as a ‘womanizer’. Addiction is addiction is addiction! Drugs, alcohol or sex, these are all addictions, but with sex addiction, the addict carries his six-pack within. Addictions often present in multiples and have a genetic link. The earlier the addict seeks treatment, the greater the success. Sex addiction is complicated, often stemming from childhood. As that person matures, they will use sex as a de-stressor to the degree that it becomes obsessive and develops into an addiction. Sex Addicts are present in all areas of life, being particularly common amongst high powered professionals and people with stressful jobs.
Addiction changes the brain’s chemistry, by altering the mechanism of restraint which registers in the frontal cortex. Evidence of the lack of this brain function has been recorded in brain scans. Addicts are impulse driven. Forming relationships is difficult as the lure of a new experience is addictive. In time, the addiction will become less satisfying and the addict will crave more and more until he/she is out of control.
USA: National Addiction Hotline – 866 701-0162,
USA: Free Addiction Hotline – 24hr – Confidential – 1-877 259-5634
USA: Home and National Addiction Hotline – 866 507-7221,
For an insight into Sexual Addiction and how to recognize its warning signs, I highly recommend these books by Patrick Carnes Ph.D. himself a recovering sex addict.
CHIROPRACTIC: A BREAK-THROUGH TECHNIQUE FOR PEOPLE WITH ADDICTIONS.
Chiropractic has developed a painless, non-invasive technique called 'Torque Release' which has benefited patients seeking help for addictive problems. If you would like more information please visit Dr. Ozner's website: www.tbhchiro.com
An excerpt from Dr.Ozner's website:
A randomized control trial was performed in which patients with addiction issues were treated over a period of 18 months. The group that received the chiropractic adjustments alone, without pharmacological input, had the greatest results. This was measured on the Beck inventory scale in terms of retention rate, which is the gold standard when dealing with addiction patients.
To read more please visit : www.tbhchiro.com
CHIROPRACTIC: HELP FOR WOMEN WHO HAVE SUFFERED ABUSE
Women who have suffered bodily physical abuse have incurred much damage to their skeleton structure and internal organs. They often suffer in silence, too afraid to report their abuse, and so they avoid medical help. Medical aid should be available to these women together with chiropractic treatment.
Chiropractic deals with realigning the spine, alleviating toxins and nerve pressure. Many women who have sustained injuries would benefit from this treatment. If you'd like more information please visit Dr. Robert Hanopole's website: www.activelifewellness.com.
Dr. Robert Hanopole has written an enlightening book describing the benefits of Chiropractic treatment. I highly recommend his book: JUST SAY YES TO CHIROPRACTIC by Dr. Robert Hanopole.
EVERY BOOK SALE MAKES A DIFFERENCE
I'm pleased to announce that I have formed an affiliation with the non-profit organization Domestic Abuse Shelter of The Florida keys and that a percentage of every book sale will help support women and children who have suffered abuse. Please support us by purchasing my book 'There Are No Accidents' available on Amazon in paperback and on Kindle. This gift gives more than a book . . . it gives hope. Thank you.
I have a plaque on my desk with the words ‘Success Is The Best Revenge’. My success is your success. Together we can draw attention to the insidious practice of willful abuse by talking about it. If you are currently in an abusive relationship or have suffered abuse, please seek professional advice. There is an army of caring professionals waiting to help. Tell your family, your friends, your neighbors . . . shout about it! Abuse can only survive in silence and you have the power to break that silence.
Together we can make a difference, because THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE.
Joan Rivers said, ‘You can turn any situation around’. She did, I did and so can you. Help is available through organizations which offer sanctuary to those in need.